My computer has a sexy female voice.

Here's how to do it:

Start with Linux. I recommend Kubuntu Feisty Fawn.

Never mind I fixed it! For the rest of you, here's how to do it:

sudo apt-get install kttsd festival

Download the Festvox female voice here: http://www.speech.cs.cmu.edu/cmu_arctic/packed/cmu_us_slt_arctic-0.95-release.zip

Copy the entire file (126 MB) to /usr/share/festival/voices/english

Set permissions and rename the folder so it will work:

sudo chmod -R 755 cmu_us_slt_arctic; ls -l
sudo mv cmu_us_slt_arctic cmu_us_slt_arctic_clunits

Use kttsmgr to configure the voice: Kmenu --> Utilities --> kttsmgr

You can tell Yelena's been gone too long.