Overheard on the plane

> Airline cabin announcements
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
> make the in flight
> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
> entertaining. Here are some
> real examples that have been heard or reported:

> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
> seating,
> you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
> choosing,  when a flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not
> picking
> out furniture here,
> find a seat and get in it!"
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
> flight
> attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
> cruising altitude and will
> be turning down the cabin lights.   This is for your
> comfort and to enhance
> the appearance of your flight attendants."
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure
> to
> take all of your
> belongings.   If you're going to leave anything,
> please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have.
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
> there are only 4 ways out
> of this airplane"
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. 
> We
> hope you enjoyed
> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
> you for a ride."
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> Ronald Reagan Intl', a
> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
> fella. WHOA!"
> 7. After a particularly rough landing during
> thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> "Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> landing like
> that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
> aboard
> Southwest Flight 245
> to Tampa.   To operate your seat belt, insert the
> metal tab into the buckle,
> and pull tight.   It works just like every other
> seat
> belt; and,
> if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
> shouldn't be out in
> public unsupervised."
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
> masks will descend
> from the ceiling.   Stop screaming, grab the mask,
> and
> pull it over your
> face.  If you have a small child traveling with you,
> secure your mask before
> assisting with theirs.   If you are traveling with
> more than one small
> child, pick your favorite."
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
> some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. 
> Thank
> you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
> Airlines."
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
> and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
> take them with our
> compliments."
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
> of
> your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
> among
> the flight attendants.
> Please do not leave children or spouses."
> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
> "Delta Airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
> in
> the industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
> hard
> landing in Salt Lake
> City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and
> said, "That was quite a
> bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.   I'm here
> to tell you it wasn't
> the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
> wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
> Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final
> approach, the Captain
> was really having to fight it.   After an extremely
> hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
> Amarillo.   Please remain
> in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
> the
> Captain taxis what's
> left of our airplane to the gate!"
> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
> than
> perfect landing:  "We
> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
> bounces us to the
> terminal."
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
> flight he had hammered
> his ship into the runway really hard.   The airline
> had a policy which
> required the first officer to stand at the door
> while
> the Passengers exited,
> smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
> airline."   He said that,
> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
> looking the passengers in
> the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
> comment.   Finally
> everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
> walking with a cane.
> She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?"
> "Why, no, Ma'am,"
> said the pilot.   "What is it?"  The little old lady
> said, "Did we land, or
> were we shot down?"
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
> the
> attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
> screeching
> halt against the
> gate.
> And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
> bells are silenced,
> we'll open the door and you can pick your way
> through
> the wreckage to the
> terminal."
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
> announcement:
> "We'd like to thank
> you folks for flying with us today.   And, the next
> time you get the insane
> urge to go blasting through the skies in a
> pressurized
> metal tube, we
> hope you'll think of US Airways."
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.   "Ladies
> and
> gentlemen, if you
> wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
> is
> on the wing and if
> you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. 
> After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
> announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
> captain
> speaking.
> Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
> to
> Los Angeles.  The
> weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
> a
> smooth and uneventful
> flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" 
> Silence followed, and after
> a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
> and said, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
> While I was talking to
> you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
> of hot coffee in my
> lap.   You should see the front of my pants!"  A
> passenger in Coach yelled,
> "That's nothing.   You should see the back of mine."