Tales from the Underbelly: Potty Training

A friend of mine recently asked on Facebook how you potty train your child.  I can't say I'm an expert; Nathan isn't there yet.  But I've learned a lot along the way, and read a fair amount.  Here's my wisdom, for what it's worth:

Ease into it.  Buy the potty and introduce it to him before you start actual potty training.  Tell him that this is his special thing just for him.  Let him sit on it with his pants on just to try it out.  He's not used to being in the bathroom so make it a fun, familiar experience before you get him to drop trou.

Don't let it be a fight.  If he doesn't want to use the potty, you can't force him.  What you can do is get him to associate the potty with frustration, anger, and shame.  That won't help.  If he refuses to use the potty, just say "that's okay honey" and move on with life.

Don't try long term rewards.  He's too young to understand deferred gratification.  Charts with stickers or promises of expensive toys won't work because the payoff is too far away.  I've found immediate rewards of smaller toys work great.  Even if he doesn't have to go potty, he'll sit down on the chance that he'll get a toy car.  (He only gets one if he actually poops.)

Make it routine.  I've started putting Nathan on the potty every morning.  That way he makes it to day care with a dry diaper.  Before and after meals are also good times.  Make it a regular thing and you're more likely to catch it when he actually needs to go.  It's also easier for him to get used to doing it successfully (even when he's not thinking about it).

Read books.  We've got a great book where Elmo learns to use the potty and gets to wear big boy underpants.  The whole point of Elmo is to give smaller children something to relate to.  When Nathan sees his beloved character going through the same exact experience, it makes it more compelling for him.

Use pullups.  The whole point of pullups is that they're diapers that behave like underpants.  Also known as training diapers.  They can be removed and put on while the kid is standing up.  Also makes it way, way easier to go in public bathrooms.  Nathan's pullups have charactes from the Cars movie, which makes it even more appealing to him.

Don't use underpants or bare bottom.  My mother in law thought this was a great idea and has tried it several times.  Personally I don't like wiping pee off the floor, nor do I like cleaning turds out of cloth underpants.  Try it if you want to, but I don't think it helped Nathan at all.

Accept failure.  Kid's gonna fail.  A lot.  Some of it has to do with his inability to actually understand that poop is building up inside him and is about to come out.  Some of it has to do with the fact that he has no control over his own life and this is his chance to assert his own authority.  He's learning to become a self-actualized person, separate from his parents.  It's an important development but it also means that sometimes he'll simply refuse to use the potty, even when he needs to go.  When my cousin was young, he announced: "I like the lumps."

The point: There's nothing you can do about that.  Yelling, making him feel guilty or ashamed, all hurt his development and will actually make the potty training process take longer.  You have to accept that he doesn't have the hang of this yet, and it could be a long and challenging process.  Toddlers are exasperating for many reasons, and this is one of them.  As with all things, you must learn to accept your child's failures with calmness and love and simply encourage him to do better next time.  Yes, I know, easier said than done.

Have faith.  My wife said, "I've never met a 6 year old who didn't know how to use the potty."  She's right.  He'll get there.  European children learn at an earleir age, but this isn't Europe.  Be patient and encouraging and your kid will get there.

I sure as hell hope so.

(I wish I could take credit for that title, but I stole it from a sitcom that was canceled a few years ago.  Too bad, it was a very funny show.)