In Defense of New Marriage

I've got a couple friends who have recently started telling people they're married.  They're gay, but that's not the problem.  The problem is there was no ceremony and no ring.  (I'm not going to name names, because this rant really isn't about that, it's about a larger point.)

Obviously, we're entering a new era for marriage.  There used to be certain assumptions about marriage:

• It's between a man and a woman
• It's between two people from the same tribe/ethnicity/culture
• It's for love (but can also be a financial transaction)
• It's forever
• It's a religious thing with a ceremony and a certificate (or, if you're Jewish, a contract)
• It's a government thing with a license, another certificate, and legal ramifications

The rule against intermarriage between different ethnicities was broken down during the great Civil Rights movement fifty years ago.  The rule against same-sex marriage is similarly being broken down now.  (I know, I have friends who disagree with that.  I respect my friends for their religious convictions, but I have my own.)  The idea that marriage is forever also lasted until the 20th century; wives used to have to sue for divorce.  Now you can file for divorce.  That may sound like a technicality, but it's not; lowering the bar on dissolutions has had a very real impact on our society.  That, and letting women enter the workforce.  I don't think it's a bad thing (although it has made things more complicated).  The idea that marriage is for love is another idea that's been challenged a lot over the last couple millenia.  A classic Jewish ketubah says very little about love, but says a lot about the dowry.  A lot of that has to do with the idea of women as chattel, which was a popular idea until just a couple hundred years ago.  That's not a very long time.

Now the final two ideas are being challenged.  I've seen a lot of people get married at City Hall, with a judge, not a priest.  God is not mentioned and it's about as un-religious as you can get.  You get your certificate, and you can now file taxes together.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've seen gay couples have religious marriage ceremonies even though the state won't let them.  This makes perfect sense to me; if you believe you are married, and your rabbi or minister thinks you're married, what does it matter what the State of California has to say on the subject?  So you'll file taxes separately.  As far as I can tell, that's not really what marriage is about.  (But I haven't been married very long; maybe I'm missing something here.)

So if all these traditional ideas of marriage are being eroded, what's left?  Plenty.

Marriage is an affirmation.  It is a mutual recognition of love, affection, desire, and admiration between two individuals.  A Valentine card is nice, but you've been giving that to your girlfriend since you were eight years old.  A wedding is something done by adults, and it is two-way (unlike a Valentine card).

A marriage is a celebration.  In particular, a wedding.  It's a chance for all your friends and family to get together in one place and drink and dance and sing and party and celebrate your wonderful relationship.  At its most basic level, a marriage is about two people coming together to strengthen their resources, for the betterment of the tribe.  A wedding celebration is a chance for the tribe to reward you with lots of positive reinforcement.  Also, to drink.

Marriage is a commitment.  It may not be forever.  People change, circumstances change.  Sometimes you realize you didn't know a person well enough.  Nevertheless, marriage is a demonstration of your desire to try.  I've known people who were "boyfriend and girlfriend" for 8-10 years.  That's longer that a lot of marriages last.  Clearly these people were devoted to each other, but they weren't ready to make the commitment to marry.  (They eventually did, and now they have a gold retriever and house in the suburbs.)  Marriage is no guarantee that a relationship will last, but it's a proclamation.

Marriage is a status.  In our modern society, it seems to me that a lot of people are lonely, and a lot of people are looking for companionship.  There are a lot of very nice people out there, but some of them, like me, are off the market.  Being married--and showing it with something like a wedding ring--is an important part of how our society works.  It lets you know whether someone is hitting on you or just being friendly.  (Yes, I know there is such a thing as extramarital affairs.  But there's never a good reason to do that.  Unless you're Newt Gingrich.)  Humans are obsessed with labels and status, and the label of marriage is a very powerful one.  It tells you a great deal about a person, and when you can say "I am married," it allows you to tell others a great deal about yourself.  Similarly, being able to refer to your partner as "my husband" or "my wife" tells others a great deal about your relationship with your special someone.  (Yes, I know some gay people prefer to use the term "my partner."  I know some straight people who do that too.  Yelena & I actually considered getting a domestic partnership, just to make a point.)

Marriage has benefits.  This has been discussed a lot, in relation to Prop 8 and the resulting lawsuit.  There are a lot of benefits that are awarded to married couples; joint tax filings are only the beginning.  Your rights extend to hospital visits, power of attorney, confidential communications, and even inheritance rights.  The State of California has held, both through her legislature and courts, that the government has a strong interest in the institution of marriage.

It's true, California offers Domestic Partnership that carries almost all the same benefits of being actually married.  Those benefits do not extend to federal law, which is a big issue, but it's an important stepping stone on the path to equality.  (The recent 9th Circuit decision held that it's an illegitimate way of creating an underclass.  I agree, but we'll see what the Supreme Court thinks.)

Either way, the government has its hands deep in the institution of marriage, and that's unlikely to change any time soon.

So, what's my point?  My point is that even in our Brave New World, where blacks can marry whites, Jews can marry Christians, and men can marry men, and then divorce them again, there is still an important role for the "traditional" institution of marriage.  It's something that carries a lot of weight.  And, in my opinion, it's still important to do it under law and under God.  It's true, not everyone belongs to a faith any more, but if you do, there are clergy of every cloth who will gladly bestow God's blessing upon your union.  I think you're missing out on something important if you don't do it.

(Oh, who am I kidding?  I just want an excuse to get drunk.)